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Ace_ofspade
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Goths- They mystify us, they make us laugh, but what really [b]is[/b] a goth? I delved deeper into this and you may be shocked at what I found.

[B][I][U]Goths- Birth[/U][/I][/B]
As they say, _____s are made, not born. This applies to goths too. Gothicism is actually an early mutation that occurs quite often in young children. Did you leave on The Nightmare Before Christmas while taking care of your little cousin? Have they ever been exposed to an item of clothing from Hot Topic? All of these things are possible factors. Like many diseases, children are especially susceptible, but past the age of about 12, the average human has built up enough immunity to be unaffected.

[B][I][U]Goths- Characteristics[/U][/I][/B]
Like the Lancet liver fluke, gothicism influences its host's behavior to suit its needs. For example, in a yearly cycle, a goth will be consumed with mindless rage until its closet is fully stocked with clothes from Hot Topic. A chemical in these clothes activates common spores in the air, which after prolonged exposure grow into the goth. Naturally, the process is fairly painful and last for several years. Common symptoms include-

- Eye and eye-lid Discolorment
- Those long black cylinder pants with chains on the side
- Yaoi
- Whining
- Romantic love of Tim Burton and Jhonen Vasquez

Goths in their natural state are shy and docile. (There exist many breeds of playful domesticated goths, known commonly as [I]Emos[/I].) Destruction of their habitat however, has caused them to become incredibly violent and in many cases deadly. The most common defense against goths is light. Goths hate this more then anything. A second known weakness is water, which if applied correctly reveals their probably blond or brown hair. If outnumbered, there will usually be no choice besides running. Goth's most common tactics are biting and clawing. Fake vampire teeth, while incredibly painful, have no effect worse then a normal bite. Black claws are most common, but some more dangerous sub-species have red-tipped nails as a warning sign. However attacked though, there's only one way it'll end. "G-Cells", as I'll call them are easily contracted in an attack, and are similar to cancer cells in the way they divide. Best case, you'll die. Worst case you'll become one of them.

[B][I][U]Goths- Mating Cycle[/U][/I][/B]
Another yearly cycle in or around the mid-20s is heat. A goth in heat is berserk, and will continue to look for a mate or it will quickly die. Goths can only breed with other goths, but because of a common quirk in their genes does not insure a fully-goth child. The exposure from its parents however renders this a mere inconvenience. The male goth's penis has spines which point backwards. Upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female's vagina. Because this does not always occur, females are rarely impregnated by the first male with which they mate. Furthermore, goths are superfecund; that is, a female may mate with more than one male when she is in heat, meaning different goths in a litter may have different fathers. One unusual feature of the goth is that females have an enlarged clitoris called a pseudo-penis. Female goths give birth, copulate, and urinate through their protruding genitalia, which stretches to allow the male penis to enter for copulation, and it also stretches during birth. It was recently discovered that when the androgens are held back from the fetus, the development of the female genitalia was not altered.

[B][I][U]Goths- Later Life[/U][/I][/B]
I would like you to think about something for a second. Have you [b]ever[/b] met or seen a goth over the age of 40? No? Why do you think that is? The little bastards grow out of it you say? No, the truth may actually shock you. A goth's final yearly rage cycle around the mid-30's will cause its body to change at a chemical level. The goth's body will begin to change and morph, and it will exhibit traits commonly associated to those of early mammal-like reptiles. Over the next couple of months, it will slowly lose any semblance of its former self. It will become irritable and attack-prone, and even feast on humans. After this cycle of change is complete, the goth will eventually burrow itself under the ground. Here, it will lay dormant and live off of dirt for the rest of its average 120-year life. The only waste produced is a thin, odorless gas that seeps to the surface. Thus, natural disasters.

[B][I][U]What YOU can do about them-[/U][/I][/B]
You know those plastic soda rings you sometimes find on the beach? Leave them there. A goth will actually go out of its way to choke on one. In fact dump tubs of them into the ocean, the sewer, the street, anywhere you can find. Remember- Only [B]YOU[/B] can prevent Goth.

[B][I][U]Gallery-[/U][/I][/B]
[URL=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/bf/Kristengoth4.jpg]Picture 1[/URL]
[URL=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/08/Gothkids.jpg]Picture 2[/URL]
[URL=http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs12/i/2006/297/f/9/Goth_by_Aceofspade.png]Picture 3[/URL]

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